+ Puns & Riddles +

Notice: I am not politically correct (PC). I am an equal opportunity offender.

	Check out: Just so stories.

itle for Eugene O'Neil play set in contemporary Tokyo? The Boxman Cometh. Bank founded by Puritans in New York City? Chaste Manhattan. What gave the monk his "edge" as a geometer? He had a guardian angle. Haircuts are [fill in the blank:] ____? Barberic. Natural medicinal plant that eases pain, relieves nausea, enhances appetite and more for some severely ill persons? Medijuana. Independent Chinese restauranteur? Chang Kai Chef. Beverage especially made by Kraft Foods for the first Nationalist Chinese astronaut? KuominTang. 19th Century French chef who wrote about provincial American cuisine? Alexis de Toqueville. Poseidon's chew? Trident sugarless gum (his car? Maserati). Cuban Revolutionary restaurant? Chez Guevara. Nepalese restaurant that serves the most exotic meat? Yeti. What do we call the spirit of a dead chicken that comes back to haunt us? A poultrygeist (the spirit of a Dutchperson who drowns when a dike breaks? A poldergeist). What is the shortest distance between two points in gerrymandered space? The party line. Where are hi-tech sweatshops located? Cyberia (Swamps in cyberspace are... Blogs...). What do 21st century dogs do when they see the moon? They e-Bay (Aside: 21st century donkeys e-Bray). Former U.S. President who was fascinated by space-based laser weapons? Ronald Raygun. What did the virus say to the host cell? "Tear down that wall!" In what kind of transformed future existence did the foetus believe? An afterbirth. Why didn't the foetus want to be born? Because it didn't want to forfeit its right to life. How does one remove Judge Robert Bork from The Bench? By an aborktion. What does an anti-communist duck say? "HUAC! HUAC!" "Abortion foes named to Senate Panel" ~ Which kind of threat to Americans' civil liberties is this evidence of? (A) reborn McCarthyism, or (B) religious right attack on Roe v Wade? [Correct answer is: B - "named" in the sense of: appointed, not: disclosed....] (Google listing, 23Dec04. Original article 21Dec04(?), ref. lost) What code name did Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein give to the administration official who leaked to them secrets of the White House kitchen? "Deep dish". With what in-your-face tell-all young woman did President Bill Clinton have a scandelous affair? Monica Lewdinsky. Where was President Clinton interrogated under oath about his personal life? In the Starr Chamber. Correct French pronunciation of Russia's President's name? Vladimir Putain. What was George W Bush's Vice President Richard Cheney doing when he accidentally shot a friend? Hunting quayle. Word that means: "of doubtful value or veracity"? Dubyaous. George W Bush's personal code of honor? Bushido. Head scarf worn by conservative Republican women? BaBushka. Pre-literate tribe recently discovered in the Texas savannah? the Bushmen. November 2000 danger in Florida; Post-911 danger in Afghanistan; 2003 danger in Iraq? Being Ambushed. Bush's shtick? The patriot act. [Read all about it: When the U.S. President's plane changed its call letters to: Air Farce One!] When George W Bush died and went to heaven, he met Alexander the Great; What question did George ask Alexander? "Tell me, Al! How were you able to conquer the world without having been tapped for Skull and Bones?" [On the other hand....] Where do words go to die? Click here to find out (Quote #66)! Waterfowl that sank famous 19th century whaling ship? Moby Duck. Big "scoop" for news reporter on the Titanic? An iceberg tip. Country with its head in the sand? Osterreich (Austria). Uptight English persons who came to America on The Mayflower? Pruditans. (Insurance company providing workman's comp to streetwalkers? The Pudential. Sidney Biddle Barrows' assignment in the army? Quartermaster. On a cruise ship? Purser.) What do you call fat that has had a hydrogenation change operation? Trans fat. First person to undergo a species-change operation? Michael Jackson (See portrait, right). Hardware and building supplies superstore? The Home Despot. What did the monopolist say when he held up the small businessman? "Up against the Wall-Mart!" Con artist who's made billions in real estate speculation? Donald Trump-L'oeil (See portrait, right). What do you call Exxon after the earth's petroleum reserves run out? Enron. What did Marshall McLuhan say about deregulation in the telecom industry? "The medium is the mess." Under what brand name did Uncle Ben's market their rice in Japan? Uncle Bento's. Why is being a kamikaze pilot better than having a long commute to work? The kamikaze pilot only has to make the trip once. At the Tower of Babel there was a chicken; Why did the Babelonian chicken cross the road? To make a name for itself. ~ Where did the [ordinary, barnyard...] chicken cross the road? At the crosswalk. Why didn't the [ordinary, barnyard...] chicken cross the road? There was too much traffic. What is any chicken crossing a road? A target of opportunity. Bird disease potentially fatal to humans -- pick one: (A) H5N1, or (B) KFC? What did the devout Muslim inventor invent? A Meccanism. How do Muslim women intimidate people? They make veiled threats. Islamic stealth weapon technology? The burqa bomber [See: U.S. spy satellite photo of secret Islamist ICBM]. (Know your enemy: Have you seen this man? Click for pic) What did the Christian Egyptian do when the Muslims demanded that he convert? He Copt out. Pontius Pilate converted to Christianity and became a monk; What was his watchword? Lavare est orare. How to stop under-age drinking? Lower the minimum legal drinking age.[fn.71] Why did the cop give the cow a traffic ticket? For a mooing violation. Filmmaker famous for making movies set in shopping centers? Louis Mall. A crowd of Christians? Mass. Uncontrolled population growth? Urbanoma. What movie would Voltaire produce of he worked for Disney today? Peter Pangloss. Chicken Little got promoted to CEO: What did she announce at the annual stockholders meeting? "The profits are falling! The profits are falling!" What small mammal is commonly associated with Easter? The Estrous Bunny. "Congratulations!" from a Jewish cat? "Mouzel Tov!" Raw meat treat for a cat? sashimice (cheap substitute: samici). How do you interact with a cat? You communicat. Feline philosopher? Cato (Try again! A thinking cat is a... philosofur). Highly prized feline cultural accomplishment? Kitty litteracy. Large Spanish cat that discovered Florida (1513)? Pounce de León. Kitty's favorite frozen desert? Mice cream. Felid cotillion? A hair ball. What did people say when the master bagel maker retired? Sic transit gloria bialy. Health inspectors, to restauranteurs? The Gustapo. Library for messy readers? Bibliothèque. Reptile with an insatiable appetite for books? The Alligeditor. Buddhist holy person who earns his living as a surrealist artist? Salvador Dali Lama. Actress famous for her performances in Nexium and Prilosec ads? Sarah Heartburn. Eponymous painter of slaughtered hogs? Francis Bacon. Selfish artists' motto? Ars gratia artist. Advertising slogan for a brewery owned by psychoanalysts? "It's Alice Miller time." Great engineers of the Pre-Columbian Americas? Aztechs, Toltechs and Olmechs. Ancient mid-eastern arithmeticians? Sumerians. Why should life have originated on some other planet (aka "in outer space")? NIMBY. Controvertial university department founded after protests by descendents of kidnapped aliens? Astro-American studies. Wilfully strict/demanding teachers? torMentors. Company that won contract to delouse foot soldiers after WorldGulf War I? Boots & Cooties. Late December ethnic holiday celebrated today in prefab U.S. military WWII buildings? Quonset. Contemporary philosopher who writes gibberish? Jacques Derridada.[fn.94b] News service staffed by spaced out reporters? The Dissociated Press. Inauspiciously named submarine? The Scuttlefish. Where are meetings held? In the boredroom. What is France, to an Englishman (Also: England, to a Frenchman)? The light at the end of the Chunnel. Early 20th century Swiss engineer who designed elegant bridges for post roads? Robert Mailart (Example at right). What did veterinarian prescribe for pig with laryngitis? An oinkment. Raold Amundsen and Admiral Richard Byrd's psychiatric diagnosis? They were bipolar (DSM-IV Code: 296). Concordat among witches? A covenant. (Gastrointestinal disorder to which witches are prone? Crone's disease.) Professional sports team on which there is even more wagering than usual (hint: it's not the Jets, Mets or Nets)? The Bets. Witty British science magazine for fundamentalist Christians? New Creationist. Rallying slogan for orthodox Jewish housewives abused by their husbands? "Gotta get a Get!" Where do convicted felons hope to do their time? Club Fed (Where do ghosts vacation? Club Dead). How does the D.A. preserve evidence? In Perry Mason jars. Indicted diplomat's lawyer's burden? An attaché case.

Continue with More puns and riddles

E-mail me your favorite puns.		http://www.cloud9.net/~bradmcc/puns.html Copyright © 2002-2005, Brad McCormick, Ed.D. 03 December 2011 (2011-12-03 ISO 8601) v12.10
h   o   t a i r s l y s   p   y i r e n o t r   i   m y o u e n d o   a   k u s e t h y   s   c   r   u   m a r i s e n o t e s e w e r s   Every day at work, Fall 2011. s   a   d e r a a c t t h e l   o   t e r a g a p a t e l e d s   n   o   w h o b o a v e r k e y s e l s e m   e   a   l a c r e s h i n t o a d f   l   u a i r d e n   Bird flu, Mar06.     Done during jury duty, Apr05.