WelcomeEver since approximately 14:00 January 21 2024 I have been going downhill. I lost faith in what I WAS doing and had nothing else to replace it with. My main problem was that I had nothing to do. Or maybe better: I was dismissing anything I might have to do as not worth doing.
+2024.05.04 I think I am getting worse nd worse and need to try some therapy, soon.
+2024.05.07.
On 5 Msy, I think I found out what went wrong on January 21: There is apparently a function in the computer that when it goes below a certain battery level is slows down significantly. I just now saw this happen. I would never have suspected such a thing. I thought the computer was broken and I wend down a rebbiy hole trying to get it fixed. I never did get everything fied but it was back runing nurmal speed and I've beeu OK since. But in those few days Ilost feeling haat I was doing had value.
+2024.05.09. First session with therapist. Rachel Gerstein. Having trouble feeding Niblet more food then Maggie. I haven't played any music since Jan 21 — truned some on.
+2024.06.11. Isn't all time empty except that a person finds something interesting to use the time for?
Facts: The IOP program at Silver Hill was not addressing either of what I hypothesize are my two top tasks: "Empty time", and sleep.
| LOSS |
GRIEF |
| Loss | Computer crash January 21. Lost all the purpose of what I was doing about the Ukraine war, and my opinions on other topics both personal and theoretical. |
| Grieving | Grieving about loss |
| Fear of abandonment | Goes back to the "Mud" play at age 5 years. |
What was I doing or did I imagine I was doing just before the crash?
I was followoing inently the "alternative" news reports about the Unraine war, e.g., Jeffrey Sachs' presentations and Judge Napilitano's "Judging Freedom". I was hopng to hear a big breakehtu. But instead each day I jus theard the Russiansa had advanced a few hunred meters into some new village.
I wrote my daily "What do you wnt to say?" to th White House website each day and occasionally an email to Mr. Zelensky's "Servant of the people" website. I did not expect to accomplish anything other then bearing witness that therr were persons here in The West who wanted a peaceful settlement of the war. Occasionally I would write a post to one of the expert's YouTube logs athat they would flag as good so I felt I had made some little contact with "them".
But I was not really accomplishing anybhing. I a sacsorbing a lot of time listening to experts' presentatnions, trying to keep up pn the details of the war and hopeing "somehting wold happen". But nothing significant was happening in the war, not even the fall of a major Ukrainian town to the Russians. I was worrying about whether The West's further counerescalations of the war to help the Zelensky forces might be leading to an expanded European land war and even World War III.
It seems to me that I must have been beginning to get tired of making so much effort and getting nowhere? The Ukraine war should have ended already with a Russian victory since they won so many battles, but it had not done so. Ukraine was being pushed but not defeated.
 Invenit et fecit |
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